Hey there! Not sure if anyone still visits this page here. I haven’t updated it in a while. I’ve started a new site all about traveling! Find out where we are at http://www.findyoursource.com

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Well it sure has been a long time since my last post, one year, four months and fifteen days to be exact. I’m not really sure what happened there. Wait, yes I am, I just didn’t feel like writing. So there! Lucky for you, (and by you I mean the very few that will actually read this) I feel like writing again! So here we go 🙂

What a year it has been. Last time I was writing I talked about dressing up and showing up to my life, no matter what is in my head. In reading my last post, it seemed I was on the right track to getting better; I can say for sure that I did get better and am still on that path, even though year twenty seven had its’ fair share of tribulation.

I remember thinking that when I turned twenty seven, I would view that next year as a ‘new year to re-invent Paul’, a year that I would really focus on helping myself, changing for myself and doing things for myself. I put a lot of emphasis on the thought ‘when I turn twenty seven things will be different’, which is a lot of pressure on the turn of Paul’s new year. That year started on the day of November the fifth two thousand twelve, and that was the day I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had in my life. I remember waking up, looking over at my cell phone by the bed with numerous texts, Facebook wall posts and a few missed calls from folks trying to wish me a happy birthday. I didn’t even look at or respond to any of them. I carried my phone out into the living room and sat on the couch. I started thinking about where I was job-wise (which was nowhere), relationship wise (which I was nowhere, yet still thankful for not being where I could have been 5 months prior) and mentally (which was somewhere, but miserably lost). Like many times in the past, I let everything I was thinking about start to overwhelm me and heavily weigh me down.

Short, fast and shallow breaths followed the overwhelming feeling quite quickly, and added to the growing feeling of panic. Just as I reached the point of full-blown tears, body dizziness, detachment from reality and severe panic my phone started buzzing with Cam’s name on the screen. Maybe it was a subconscious outreach for help or some ethereal power forcing me to answer because I was in so much pain, but I answered the phone. Cam noticed right away that something was wrong and asked me, “Are you ok man?” I wanted my reply to be “Yeah, I’m good man!” but instead it was “No”. The great friend that he is, Cam helped me calm down and helped me slow my breath down to a point where my body was no longer doing all the horrible things it just was doing. It felt like all of this was supposed to happen, maybe like a ‘wake up call’. I am so thankful for having such a great friend in that moment of true need. Clearly the reality of an amazing friendship was right in front of my face and I was taking it for granted, because I didn’t expect anyone to want to help me.

I realize now, at that moment, my thinking pattern was altered drastically. Friends are always there to be just that, a friend (if they are a true friend at least).  I’ve been there for lots of my friends in difficult or sensitive situations, but for some reason I’ve always had trouble letting them truly be there for me. I remember thinking over the summer in some of my heavy depression days that I wanted to try and make new friends; I thought maybe I was losing the connection between all of my current friends. The reality was that I wasn’t willing to let them in for some reason, and I thought by making new friends I would be able to change that. I guess the saying “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it” applies, because my friends were far from broken, I was clearly the one who needed such a humbling thought.  Some things are just out of your control and no matter how much you do or don’t want something it may happen anyways. In life there are things that are supposed to happen, and if we embrace them fully, no matter how uncomfortable they might be, life might just surprise you. Learning the lesson I did that day was undoubtedly one of the greatest birthday gifts I’ve ever received. I’m not sure Cam even meant to give that gift to me, he just meant to help out a friend in need, and that fact alone makes his words divinely emphatic.

The fact that one of the best and worst things of my life thus far happened to me in the same day, nay, the same hour, is something that has carried me forth. I’ve walked an entirely new and unfamiliar path for all of last year, and it has brought me to the sight of a wondrous and beautiful new land where I can see the path I’ve only dreamed of walking on. It’s like I have been on a backbreaking journey where I made a wrong turn the right way. I climbed over a bone chillingly cold and perilous mountain, only to be met on the other side with the view of a breath-taking valley. A valley filled with everything I have ever hoped and dreamed of walking through. I could see it all there just right in front of me, it seemed so close and yet so far away.

The event on the day of my twenty seventh birthday started a chain of events that has changed me and continues to change me, I will have to tell the story retroactively so I can catch up to where I am now. It won’t be long until the next part of my journey is told, I promise. Until then, stay beautiful everyone.

The Great Valley

 

I woke up last Sunday, and during breakfast learned that the annual Shredzfest was going on out in Cochrane that afternoon! I’d never been to any prior Shredzfests, but I’d always heard about them after and wished I went. So here was my chance. Lately I’ve learned that I need to dress up and show up for my life no matter what’s in my head, and also to try and surround myself with like-minded individuals. I figured the afternoon of skateboarding festivities could help test out those learnings.

So I dressed up and showed up to a really beautiful sunny day out in Cochrane, definitely around the 30 degree mark so it was pretty friggin hot.  I planned to skateboard for a while until the contest started up and then grab my camera to shoot some photos. I have never really participated in shooting at a skateboard contest before so I was nervous and also excited! I tried really hard to get out of my head and get into my heart, to relax myself and make some connections with like-minded individuals. Of course though, I worry because I don’t really know anyone and I worry that people will think I’m some weird dude taking pictures, I realize that is silly. The feelings of worry slowly diminished throughout the day, especially when I was recognized by one of the locals named Riley. He spotted me and was kind enough to say hello and make bit of small talk. Made me feel relaxed and gave me a little sense of belonging. If you’re reading this Riley, thanks. It’s funny how meaningful someone saying a friendly hello can be toward another without even knowing it.

After skating for a while and sweating profusely I was ready to chill and watch the competition that was starting soon. There were two others that were shooting photos and video, I decided to watch how they interacted with the talent for a while. I’ve shot skateboarding before, just never at an organized contest, I don’t really know the rules. At a certain point I figured I might as well just grab my camera and start walking around shooting at some spots. I followed the other two a little until I started chatting with one of the other photographers named John. Really nice fellow, just has a passion for photography and skateboarding alike. Nice to connect with a like-minded individual, just like what I set out to do. Of course that contributed to my ever growing feeling of comfort. I felt quite happy just  being there, especially when a lot of my pictures were turning out quite nice.

I was really glad to have gone out that day. Just proves to me yet again that something good always comes when you put yourself out there. Thanks to everyone who was there and contributed to making me feel involved in the day, it was a great contest! There was so much talent there and I feel lucky to have seen it and been a part of it.  I’m really starting to make some progress with myself and get on to a path I’m comfortable walking. Life really is wonderful and I’m realizing that more and more.

On a side note, I have learned that my ex-fiance has sucked in another poor soul to her death trap, and despite all the comments saying “look at the two lovebirds” and all that crap I don’t really feel saddened that she is with someone else already. I feel happy that I am free and able to get excited about new things in my life that have to do with me and me alone! Also I saw a quote on the net that made me chuckle and feel a lot better, “I never get jealous when i see my ex with a new guy because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate…”. Sounds mean but it makes me feel better! I would say sorry Emily, but I’m not.

Well, onto the pictures of that wonderful sunny sunday! Thanks again everyone!!

Also if you are one of the skaters in these photos and would like a copy please don’t hesitate to email me mrpmartin@gmail.com

So here I am in beautiful Radium BC, three hours drive away from home. It was such a beautiful drive through the Rocky Mountains to get here. Everywhere you look is a quiet, peaceful and picturesque moment. As soon as I arrive I step out of my car to the smoky smell of barbecue and campfire drifting into my nostrils while the sound of children laughing and playing fills my ears. All I can see around me is mountains, sun, trees and soft white clouds. How can you not have a smile plastered all over your face at that point?  I breathed that moment in as deep as it would go.

Sounds nice right? Although I’m out here to work on some various manual labor type jobs I feel like it should be really nice to be alone. To clear my head and to welcome some new positive thoughts. I’m trying to soak up the serenity but I’m finding it difficult. I’m too much inside my own head. Once the frustration sets in it’s like a dark plague inside my mind.Why is it so difficult to just let thoughts pass by and not go over them again and again? I keep trying to tell myself that this is just something everyone goes through in life. Maybe I just need to keep distracting myself and hope the past will really become the past?  I know we’re supposed to put the past behind us but I seem to keep mine right in front of me. What will it take to really just let go of it? I suppose only time will tell.

I’m sure I’ve at least touched on the subject of Australia at this point. My memory is so bad I really can’t remember what I’ve said about it. I love to travel, I really do. But things just don’t work out the way you want them to. I’m not sure when or if I’ll ever make my dream of travelling come true. It seems further away then it ever has. I’m trying not to focus on it too much at this point. I’m trying to take smaller steps for the foreseeable future and I’ve definitely made some more positive choices about things lately. Things will get better, and I know that. I just never thought that I’d ever be in a situation and mindset like I’m in now. I’m struggling a lot. Hopefully it’s all worth it in the end.

If some of that is confusing maybe this will simplify things to help better understand.  You know how a dog kind of gets it’s way into a spot? How they scrape their paws back and forth and wriggle around until they’re in the spot they want to be in? I feel like I’m like a dog trying to get comfortable into a spot. Except the problem is nothing really seems to feel comfortable. I’ll just keep trying other spots until one feels comfortable enough to stay in for a while so I can really get some well deserved mental and physical rest.

Until next time my friends.

If you ever make it out here for a visit beware of the tight security some folks have in place.

And also beware of the 24/7 armed patrol

The last couple of days to be honest, were horrible. I just wasn’t feeling like myself at all and I was ridden with anxiety about everything, including Australia. I had so many things running through my head all day long. I reached a point where I just thought, I’m going to sleep and I’m going to wake up feeling better. It turns out, I did.

Today.. I’m not sure what the best word to describe today is. Maybe astonishingly wonderful? Really though, it was just amazing. I woke up feeling like I wanted to just play the guitar. I kept thinking about going busking, as I haven’t been yet this year. I honestly kept wussying in and out in my mind. But I just kept getting a feeling I should really go. So I packed up and went off. It was such a beautiful sunny day out, soft breeze and scattered white clouds. I headed down to Stephen Ave, which is one of the best spots in the city. Clayton and I were down there last year around this time actually. Throughout the day I saw beautiful faces and met wonderful people. It was so relaxing being out there in the sun, playing music and connecting with so many people. Near the end of the two and a half hours I was down there a bagpiper started up just close by. I’m sure you’ve heard one before but if you haven’t, they are quite loud. Upon hearing the bagpipes I suddenly realized I was hungry and out of water. So I slowly started to pack up all my stuff and head out.

For the last half of my playing, there was a fetching lady in a pinkish dress sitting on the bench across the way. Pretty much the whole time I was playing she was sitting there writing (or at least I thought). I couldn’t tell exactly what she was doing but she seemed to be really into it. So, as I started to head out I noticed out of the corner of my eye that she was getting her stuff ready to leave too. After I had my bag and my guitar I started walking. Past her bench, she quickly scurried over handed me a piece of paper and said “This is you.”

“May your best music cut through the noise.”

I looked down at the piece of paper, I was truly astounded by it. I think I said something like “Wow. That is amazing, thank you!” I looked up to see the angel who had given me this gift but she was hurrying off down the street. I chased after her a little to try and introduce myself and get her name. It was a very quick conversation and I could tell she was shy. The way she looked though, was quite attractive. I kept trying to talk to her while she was slowly moving down the street. The whole time I can see her trying to hide her smile. Finally after many more gratitude remarks from me, both of our faces are about the same shade as her cute pink dress. We say goodbye and she disappears off down the street.

I just stood there for probably a whole minute just looking down at the piece of paper and looking back down the street. A smile plastered all over my face. I honestly had goosebumps the whole time. I was just so truly and utterly amazed. I feel bad that my horrible memory has kicked in and I don’t remember her name, I know it had a “K” or “C” sound to it. I’ll just call her angel. I told her I was going to write about the picture, at least I’m pretty sure I did. The whole encounter we had seems like a blur. If she could only know just how much that encounter has impacted me. I still get goosebumps. The fact that someone would do exactly what she did makes me so happy it bring tears of joy to my eyes. After how things have been lately, it truly was just what I needed. Right now my love of people and how we interact has never been stronger.

Thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart angel. You have given me something in my life now that is unique and memorable. Beyond any doubt I will remember that for the rest of life and it will always make me smile. Not to mention the fact I can look at the picture and just feel amazing about myself. I will of course hope to see you again, another glimpse would make me smile even more. I just can’t thank you enough for the beauty and joy you have instilled in my life. Thank you Angel.

I look down at the ground and feel it is so far away now. There’s no point in turning back I’m already half way, I tell myself. My hands, despite the vice-like grip are so sweaty that they just slide along the railing. My feet shuffle a little as I think about bringing both feet to the next step. My entire body is trembling with fear and hesitation. I use my mind to try and think of something else so my insides calm down for a moment. Then suddenly I snap back to reality and there I am gripping my hands tightly around the railing stuck there shaking and sweating. I think back to how I felt when I was on the ground. Why did I think this was a good idea? Have I done this before? I answer with I’m not sure and yes, yes I’ve done this before. My stomach feels like one giant knot that some inexplicable strength is still tightening somehow. My head is foggy with thought process and overwhelmed with fear. Impending doom is coming to me fast and furiously, there’s no hope. I somehow focus my eyes on the ground below for a moment, a quick SLAP of reality. I am only 20 stairs up. 20 stairs up a STAIRCASE.

I was driving around near Canada Olympic Park the other day when I realized I’d never been up close to the bobsled track. So I went up close to take a look and try to get a feel for what it would be like flying down there at 100. It looks crazy and awesome! Then I look over and see the Ski Jumps we have there. I’ve never been up any of them either. After getting close to the base of the largest one (90 m high) I found that it was closed so I headed to one of the smaller ones. On the way over there I was thinking this was going to be so cool! When I saw there was only a staircase and no way to close it off I was excited! I get to go up this one. I practically ran up to about the half-way point when the madness kicked in. The thought that it might be scary at all climbing the feeble outside staircase never even came close to crossing my mind. But once I was up there something just happened. I was consumed with fear, fear of being up high and possibly falling to an injury or death. This is something that has never happened to me before. Even just thinking about it now gets my feet sweaty and my stomach twisty.

It took me about 10 minutes to just walk down those steps. I feel embarrassed when I think of that image in my head. Me; a 26 year old who has never had a fear of heights or anything like that (actually quite the opposite). Seen much like a 90 year old man coming down these stairs gripping the railing, breathing heavily and so terrified I look like a ghost. Wow. I have no idea where it came from. Yet I find it very interesting. Why now? Does my sudden fear of heights mean something? What will happen next time I get up high? And Most importantly did anyone see me? haha

Anyone else ever had things of a similar nature pop up in his or her life?

Still very strange.

I know that it has been a while since my last post but to be honest I just didn’t know what to write about. I started the blog more as a ‘Travel Blog’ than anything else. I don’t consider being home really traveling as much as it is just being home, but I suppose it still is sort of traveling.  As it stands I am still in Calgary just itching to get out there and travel some more. Don’t get me wrong, I love Calgary and I love seeing all the beautiful people. Just yesterday I had a run in with one of Calgary’s lovely people. I rode my flat-tired bike that has been sitting all winter over to the gas station to fill the tires with air. Of course now it costs $1 to use the air compressor. So I go into the store with only a debit card and ask to get cash back if I buy something or if there is some way to get a loonie. He says I can use the cash machine to take out money, that sucks, I ain’t paying an extra $1.50! So I headed outside to ride the flat-tired bike back home to get a loonie. That’s when the random lovely person jumped in and tossed me a loonie so I could go fill up the tires. I really love people sometimes!

For me though, I want out of here. I want to experience new things that are out there. I want to travel, take pictures, write music, write words, work and be happy. I want.. I want.. I want.. This is what my thought process is like right now and I realize it hasn’t really been like that much in the past. It was always, I should.. I should.. all thinking about others first and me second. I am just putting myself first for the first time.

Somebody once said to me “I am consistently amazed by your ability to throw true passion and emotion into every word and every note. Guitarists just play the guitar; true Musicians speak the lyrics of people’s hearts. You, are a musician through and through.” That is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me about my playing. It gets me thinking about how much love I have for music. It is a huge part if not the biggest part of who I am. After watching a documentary (especially part two) on George Harrison called “Living in the Material World”, it opened up my eyes a lot to the music and meditation link, it is definitely worth the watch. Music is part of the heart and soul. Musical notes radiate within you and without you, through everyone and everything. It keeps everything moving and flowing. It is such a calming feeling to play music and transcend your mind so deeply that you think about nothing as the music is drifting in and out of your ears and then you all of a sudden realize you were playing. A truly amazing feeling like no other. I wish it was easier to relate this feeling to other people but it’s hard, and some will never understand. I feel truly blessed as I now begin to open up my mind and heart to the meditative effects that playing music can have on me.

The thought of just playing music all the time makes me happy. I had the chance once with music and blew it, but life is full of opportunities. Though the reality of making a living doing it happily is elusive, it doesn’t mean you can’t make it a part of your life while you do something else but I need a sort of freshness in my life. A freshness that I feel traveling to a place I’ve never been to could bring. I want to see and do all kinds of things that are out there. I try my best to follow my heart, but because I wear it on my sleeve it’s vulnerability level goes up. I don’t regret anything I’ve done as it has put me where I am today and still I want to live, love and learn. So, I am going to follow my heart to of Australia. Every time I mention it I hear about someone’s experience there and it’s nothing but positive. I feel that I am really just starting to get who I am and seeing the world is part of who I am. Right now it’s all I think about so I just have to do it.

I can’t wait any longer, I’m thinking about it all day long. Among the few, that is one of the thoughts that brings a smile to my face. So I’m just going to do it. A lot of people are going to be unhappy about it, but it’ll make me happy and right now that’s what I need. I guess I’m trying to be a little bit selfish. I’ve sold a lot of my stuff and only my phone and car remain. If you know of anyone that wants a 2008 Civic let me know! My ad is Right Here. As for my phone I am actually getting emails as I write this, it will be gone soon. It’s nice now that communication, especially at long distances is really easy without a cell phone. Some have asked me how it feels to get rid of so much of my own stuff. To me it really is just that, stuff, stuff that really doesn’t matter too much. I’ve cared for it but it’s easy to let it go. There are other things in my life that I am realizing are more important than all that stuff.

So as of lately I’ve been doing this and that. Lots of skateboarding! Lots of trying to relax and see some friends. I maybe could let a picture gallery suffice for a bit? If you click on them they’ll get bigger and prettier!

So there’s an update. I’m sorry I took so long. I hope that the next one has some new music to be attached! We shall see 😉

Wait! I also had my friend Josh Bailey (amazing man) come over and record some bass on my last track. Check it out!

It won’t be as long until my next post. I promise. Thanks for reading.

With Love As Always,

– Paul

Well I have been feeling a little bit better since my last post and lucky for you I feel like writing today 🙂

I think that just coming home and seeing some more familiar faces was great. A lot of the wind beneath my wings has been replenished and soon I’ll be ready to fly again. Depression can F@#K right off. I will take a few steps back to the last couple Phoenix days for now. By the way I’m listening to the new Tenacious D Album ‘Rize Of The Fenix’ and it’s hard to focus on writing because I can’t stop laughing. So yes D fans out there, The D is back! Thanks to Jack and Kyle for streaming it free!!!

Click here to listen 🙂

So really the last days in Phoenix weren’t overly exciting. We just took it pretty easy as funds were running low and Jeff and I started wanting to kill each other. Yet still we had a great time. We went out to do the little amount of shopping we wanted and needed to do. The list consisted of Keurig coffee things for Mom, a stand that I broke for the GPS (which is Dad’s, sorry!), some groceries and then of course a bunch of Rum!! We bought 3 of these and some dark Jamaican Rum that Mom likes 🙂

Mmmmmmm…too good!

That bottle is $45 in Canada! We bought em’ for $18 each….Why can’t I just pay $18 all the time? Unfair.

Which brings me to my next point. In the US for me to purchase alcohol, Jeff cannot be standing there (even though he has been for a bunch of our purchases), he must be standing at least 30 feet away. Yet contrary to Canadian law we can go into a pub in the US and both sit down, I can order a drink and drink it right in front of him no problem. Oh yeah Jeff is 19. Now, I’m sorry but that doesn’t really make sense to me. I mean don’t get me wrong I don’t really care but isn’t that kind of silly? They say it’s because in a bar alcohol consumption is monitored. I get that totally! So they make a law where you can’t stand next to the person who is supposedly going to consume it when purchasing in a store? That wouldn’t deter anyone from underage drinking in my eyes, if that’s what they are trying to accomplish. Think about this, you have to be 21 to drink but you can be 18 to get a tattoo. 1 drink vs 1 tattoo, which one is permanent? Obviously it’s not a big deal by any means, but laws just sometimes irk me. What do you think?

After shopping we grabbed a quick bite at our favorite Dave and Buster’s and cashed in our thousands of well-earned tickets. Headphones and beer jackets later we were back at the house relaxing and watching more movies of course! ‘Carnage’ was the first- a Roman Polanski film, it was really well done. Keeps you interested without really noticing the fact the entire movie (mostly) is filmed in an apartment. Second on the list was ‘The Dilemma’, Vince Vaughn and Kevin James are a good pair and the story really grabs you well, watch it!

The next morning, which was the start of our last day looked like this.

I didn’t even go outside to take the picture.

The daytime was spent mostly cleaning and packing so we decided for the last night after it finally stopped raining to….you guessed it! See a movie. hahaha We had dinner at a place called Cadillac Ranch which had amazing food! Jeff and I had a few good heart to hearts despite my mild drunkenness I still remember. Jeff if you are reading, don’t do what you do for anybody else but you. One of our best dinner’s together so it was well suited for the last night. After dinner it was movie time! We went to see The Hunger Games, Jeff said it was good! The reason I say that is because I fell asleep for about 87% of it. Looks like I’ll have to see it again, oh well.

Normally right now on a day I am forced to awaken before 9 Am the first half is pretty much a write-off but the next day was smooth. Even the Total Sexual Assault at the airport was quick and painless. After safely arriving from yet another comfortably smooth part of the day we were greeted by, dare I say, a nice customs agent. Mom was waiting patiently while we grabbed our bags and headed out to see her smiling face. A very welcome faced encounter over and we were headed home to drop off bags and go grab some late lunch together. The pub down by the house ‘The Last Straw’ was another welcomed sight to check off. When you are back home that’s all it takes to be settled right back in.

Back at the house I was getting organized to leave right away over to Kyle and Joey’s place. I brought Kyle back one of the Captain Morgan’s bottles so of course he was really happy to see me. I don’t think he would have been otherwise…I’m kidding Kyle! Jeez! I love you. So the three of us got to catch up a little but not long after we started Joey said Lani was having people over. I haven’t seen Lani for a few weeks and Jamie (Lani’s boyfriend) for even longer. Then I found out my friend Trevor was there and I haven’t seen him for a good number of years. So naturally, we headed over to Lani and Jamie’s place, also they didn’t know I or Kyle were coming 😉

It was truly a great night. Made me feel really happy about the surrounding amazing people that are in my life. We relaxed at the house for a while catching up and all that fun stuff. Then we all decided to go for a hike in the forest adjacent to the house. I love Canada. It is always so fresh and relaxing to walk out into nature. I breathed that moment deep into my lungs.

The next day was a bit of a slow start but progressed very nicely. Kyle, Joey and I met up at Deacon’s Pub for lunch to get each other psyched for skating at the Airdrie park! I can say with confidence that it was the best day I’ve had skating in a good while. A great day with even better company 🙂

Here are some of the favorites from the day.

Kyle is my vote for Skater of the Year. Thumbs Up buddy 🙂

So after a perfect day skating we headed back to Deacon’s Pub as it was George’s (owner) wife’s birthday! Happy Birthday Lisa and thanks for the cake! It was nice to meet you, and again I’m sorry WestJet happened to you too. We were also having some very lively conversation with a group of lovely ladies. This was a group of ‘Cougars’ that took an instant liking to us. Turned out to be a lot of fun that night. Good clean fun, just what I needed. Thanks to Deacon’s for hosting karaoke that was fuel for the fun night we had!

Beautiful Ladies 🙂
Judy, Danya, Susan and the fourth I’m sorry I’ve forgotten your name. With the amount of drinks I had and my already goldfish-like memory I’m surprised I remembered the first 3! Thanks for a fun night!

Smooth Operator Kyle

Good Times Boys!

Karaoke DJ Extraordinaire!

So the first few days back from the trip and I’m feeling pretty good. Now I have to get serious for a little while.

Today is the day of recognition for Not Myself Today.

Click here to learn more

Now I’m not an expert on the subject but I do know a lot about the feelings involved as I myself have fallen victim to depression. Last summer I just kind of reached a point where I had been hiding these feelings I didn’t understand for a long time. If I didn’t start talking about it and admitting to everyone and most importantly myself that I needed help, I would have been in trouble. I feel blessed to have great family and friends that are always there for me. It took a while but I started making changes to things in my life for the better, things that I was no longer happy with. With the help of many supporters I left my job and moved into Calgary with my friend and band-mate Clayton. I was feeling a lot better, starting to see the joy in life again and really starting to care about things that are important. Like my history shows though, every time a woman comes into the picture it is almost certain doom. Once Emily was in the picture things started to change (don’t think that I mean that in any certain way, it was both good and bad). I lost sight of a lot of the things I had been teaching myself to see everyday and let become important in my life. I’m not exactly sure where I went wrong or if it was even me, I guess it never really is one person. I don’t live with Clayton anymore, he pretty much hates me and Emily and I are not together anymore. That’s enough digging in that scar for a bit I think.

The thing we are talking about today is depression. The first time it happened to me I didn’t have any defenses. Now I have learned a thing or two and have somewhat of an offense to throw at it should it arise again. I wish for so many people that they were as lucky as I am. Lucky to have such close family and friends on the sidelines that are there before the game, the whole duration and then long after it’s over. Maybe if they did they wouldn’t be where they are right now? You can’t live life in the past though, once it’s gone it doesn’t matter, but that doesn’t mean you forget it. I’ll never forget Krista. I’ll never forget Curtis. I’ll never stop thinking about the many others there are. All we have to do is care for one another and love each other. Imagine if everyone just cared a little bit more. What would the world be like?

Today was another one of those strange days. After doing a few errands downtown I thought about going up to nose hill for a walk and to take some pictures. On the way there I couldn’t stop thinking about the recent profound events in my life. Thinking about things that I shouldn’t be thinking about. It led me to the feeling that I’ve lost touch with a lot of people, like I’m a ‘Spectator’ (thanks Clayton). I was at a stoplight with that thought when I looked up and I was right beside Gallagher’s Pub (which is where Clayton and I had our first two gig’s before I left). The thought and sight together put a smile on my face and a tear in my eye. I made it up to nose hill and went for a walk. Even though the day looked melancholy I still felt good up there. Everything I’ve done so far has put me exactly where I am, and I like that.

It’s good to be home, but like I said, it won’t be long before I’m ready to fly again.

With Love As Always,

– Paul

Well you know what? I actually don’t feel much like writing today. My heart hurts and for some reason I am being very self conscious of my words. I’m going to just post the pictures and let those tell the story as much as it can. A couple of quick shout outs are in order though. First to Wendy, a volunteer at the Phoenix Zoo is a very sweet soul who took the time to tell us many interesting facts and stories about Duchess the 52 year old female Orangutang and walk us over to a closer viewing area of Rose the elephant. Thank you for being so sweet Wendy, we need more people like you in the world. Second, Israel the lead singer of The Alchemy Heart, we were glad to vote for you and hope you make it out to play with Bruce!

Now on to pictures.

With Love As Always,

– Paul

It was another smoking hot day on Saturday, almost unbearable (still not complaining). Jeff and I awoke and thought about going to the Arizona Science Center! I haven’t been to any one in many years let alone this particular one. So off to the Science Center we go! Bill Nye and all my past science teachers were right, science is fun! We started off our science adventure by watching an IMAX 3D film entitled ‘Hubble 3D’ narrated by none other than Leonardo DiCaprio (should have been Morgan Freeman if you ask me). The film was absolutely spectacular! The main event in the film is the May 2009 mission of repair and upgrade to the Hubble Space Telescope, which of course was the last time they will make a journey to Hubble (or so they say). It doesn’t sound like a zero gravity repair job would be that exciting, but it is utterly gripping. Among many awe inspiring sights included in the film, exploring Orion nebula’s star nursery in 3D is truly unforgettable. This film is a must-see for anyone that gets the opportunity.

Jeff and I spent the rest of the time freely exploring the vast amount of other exhibits. The forces of nature display was another highlight, our favorite was the vortex smoke ring maker hahaha, lots of fun! The Van Gogh Alive exhibit was also pretty effin cool. Basically a timeline journey through Van Gogh’s famous works via multi sensory exhibition. You can actually sign up for after-hours yoga classes in Van Gogh Alive (except for some of the creepier paintings I wouldn’t find very relaxing). I won’t delve into the many other things to see but rest assured, this science center is definitely worth a visit!

After the science center of course we go outside into the blazing heat and on the way back to the car we are moseying through the courtyard outside the science center. We stumble upon a happy couple taking wedding photo’s in various spots at their beautiful wedding ceremony locale, gross, just what I want to see.  I’m never getting married.

So now it is close to dinner time, Jeff and I drive back to the Mesa area and begin our search for a suitable dinner spot. We headed into the ASU grounds and decided upon a sweet looking local pub. Food was amazing! Hot girls everywhere of course, and a UFC fight for which we didn’t have to pay cover! Sweet! After filling ourselves we head back home to relax. After about a minute of driving I started smelling burning rad fluid coming from our car. Then we pull up to a red light and the nice gentleman next to us rolls down his window, so naturally I do the same. “Hey dude, you need to go pour water into your radiator like now.” Right after he says that the car decides to shut the engine down all by itself! Shit! Luckily a gas station was only like a block and a half away. We pull into the gas station parking lot and Jeff runs in to grab a few bottles of water. After a good 15-20 mins of waiting I pull the radiator cap off and pour in the water to get it cool. Another surprisingly good samaritan says “The spot over there where you can get air also has a water pump.” So not wanting to start up the engine again I decide to push the car backward to the water pump with the help of yet another good samaritan. Jeff steps up to the plate,  jumps in the driver seat (never having steered a car backward before) and steers the car backward perfectly into place at the water pump station.  HUGE KUDOS TO JEFF!! So we finally get the car cool enough to drive home the few blocks and put it to rest for the night. Now I know this isn’t really the craziest car trouble ever heard but for 2 inexperienced car people, trust me, it was enough. So we end the night watching “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”. What a great movie! And yes I’ve heard that apparently the Swedish movies are better, those are next on the list to watch 🙂 . Another fun filled day!!

Sunday was pretty much spent relaxing by the pool and hanging around the house as of course we had no car. Although we did walk over to the Wal-Mart for a few dinner groceries, by the time we came back my shirt was so sticky and sweaty I could barely pry it away from my skin, gross. For dinner I must point out that we had some pretty awesome dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, I’ll never grow up 😉 .  Not really the most exciting day as far as stories but still a great one here in Phoenix with one of my amazing brothers! Until next time my friends. Thanks for reading.

With Love As Always,

– Paul

P.s. Here are some pictures to chuckle at

Jeff’s New Purse

Jeff’s Gun Show

Jeff lookin pretty sharp!

The Vortex!! Wooh!

THE hottest 3D glasses ever made.

Lookin Smart 🙂

Annnd The Arizona Science Center

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